Gridiron Massacre: Longhorns Crush UTSA in Style
In Week 3 of the 2024 season, the No. 2 Texas Longhorns rolled into DKR Stadium and dismantled UTSA 56–7. Quinn Ewers sparked the offense with two early touchdown passes before an oblique strain sent him to the bench. Arch Manning stepped in and completed nine of 12 throws for 223 yards and four TDs, added a 67-yard rushing score, and connected on multiple long bombs to Isaiah Bond and Ryan Wingo. Linebacker Ethan Burke sealed the blowout with a pick-six late in the fourth, cementing Texas’s 2–0 historical edge over the Roadrunners.
If you’re UTSA, showing up to play Texas is like bringing a water pistol to a flamethrower contest. The Roadrunners looked more lost than a tourist in Houston traffic—one second they’re trying to stop Ewers, next they’re watching Arch Manning turn into a one-man highlight reel. You could almost hear ESPN producers scrambling for new buzzwords: “Arch-itect,” “Next Manning,” “Hold my helmet.” Meanwhile, UTSA’s game plan must have been scribbled on a napkin at a diners’ meetup—because nothing says “prepared” like getting torched on every play. Next time, Roadrunners, maybe practice in front of a mirror before stepping on the field.
Softball Showdown: Longhorns Aim to Slay Baylor Bears
The No. 2 Texas Longhorns softball squad dominated the Austin Regional with a pair of runaway wins—a 9–1 run-rule rout of Wagner and a 9–0 shutout of No. 8 Wisconsin—to earn a spot in the regional final. On May 17 at McCombs Field, Texas will host former Big 12 rival Baylor for a winner-advances ticket to the Super Regionals. Baylor counters with a pitching staff sporting a 4.29 ERA and 1.67 WHIP, led by sophomore Peyton Tanner’s 4.01 ERA, 1.70 WHIP, and 97 strikeouts across 131 innings, but the Longhorn offense looks primed to pounce.
Calling Baylor’s pitching “intimidating” is like calling a Chihuahua “ferocious.” Sure, they’ve struck out a few foes, but they haven’t faced the Longhorn juggernaut yet. Texas has been torching opponents like a barbecue on the Fourth of July—nine runs per game, two shutouts, and enough home runs to fill a highlight reel. ESPN’s cameras will probably zoom in on Leighann Goode’s next moonshot while Baylor’s hurlers wonder if they accidentally wandered onto a different field. When softball turns into carnage, only one carnivore emerges: Hook ’em Horns.
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