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“Freshman Bo Jackson Locks Out Upperclassmen, Declares Ohio State Backfield His Personal Playpen”
Ohio State fans can’t remember life before Bo Jackson’s freshman takeover—mainly because they only showed up to the stadium once or twice last season. Following what coaches are politely calling “another decent showing,” Jackson has issued official invitations (by way of steamroller) to every upperclassman running back: pack your bags, you’re on permanent couch duty.…
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Ohio State Finally Discovers Road Wins Exist, Demands National Rankings Take Notice
In a shocking turn of events that has left stat geeks across the nation scratching their heads, Ohio State actually ventured beyond the friendly confines of its campus turf and emerged victorious in its first true road game of the season—against Washington, no less. Fans were reportedly baffled, with many taking to social media to…
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Ohio State Buckeyes Accidentally Discover How to Win Conference Games, Huskies Left Scratching Heads
In a stunning display of athletic experimentation, the Ohio State Buckeyes have officially unlocked the mysterious “Big Ten Win” achievement, hauling their undefeated campaign across the country and promptly installing a victory flag in Seattle. Sources confirm the team was equally surprised by the concept of conference play, having breezed through early-season non-conference opponents while…
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Ohio State Doctors Spectacular 24-6 Beatdown as a “Win” Despite Evidence to the Contrary
In a dazzling display of “it could have been worse,” the Ohio State Buckeyes trudged to Husky Stadium, threw together a 24-6 victory that looked like a reluctant high-five after tripping over the welcome mat, and went home smiling. Sure, fans might wonder if they accidentally watched an extended blooper reel, but a win’s a…