Progrums

Virginia Tech officials have reportedly consulted with NASA, a Hollywood effects studio, and an overly enthusiastic marching band to craft the ultimate pitch for South Carolina’s head coach, Shane Beamer. Sources say Hokie fans are fundraising for a “Buy Shane a Farm” campaign, while campus flyers advertise free hugs from the entire defensive line if he’ll just walk through the door. Meanwhile, undergraduates have been spotted practicing persuasive interpretive dances in the Drillfield at dawn. Rumor has it the athletic department is also prepping a championship-level karaoke mashup of his greatest soundbites—because if you can’t coach ’em with logic, belt “Eye of the Tiger” at full volume until they cave.