Progrums

In week two, Virginia Tech performed what experts are calling the most spectacular nosedive since Icarus. After managing a lower win percentage than Wake Forest (yes, Wake Forest), Clemson, and that mysterious team “SM” whose stadium Google Maps still can’t locate, the Hokies slid so far down the ACC power rankings host sites had to deploy search-and-rescue drones. Broadcast crews installed squeegees to clear condensation from fans’ tears, while social media filled with memes of Tech players mistaking the end zone for a revolving door. Coaching staff considered hiring fortune-tellers and professional cliff divers to teach the team about ascending. Analysts recommended Hokies fans invest in snorkeling gear—or perhaps just accept that Virginia Tech had discovered a new form of gravity.