Progrums

In a move that will surely thrill the 14 true Virginia Tech fans still paying attention, a College Football Insider has definitively ruled out Shane Beamer and Michael Vick as serious candidates for the Hokies’ head coaching vacancy. Sources say the insider would rather field suggestions from baristas at Starbucks or random fantasy football league commissioners. Rumor has it next week’s shortlist might include a traffic cone from Lane Stadium, the ghost of Frank Beamer cheering from beyond, or perhaps a college sophomore with a viral TikTok dance. When pressed for legitimate names, the insider reportedly offered their car keys and a gift card to Chipotle instead. If nothing else, at least ticket sales for this coaching search drama are guaranteed to spike—because who wouldn’t pay to watch the Hokies try to hire someone other than a guy who once went 5-7 or singlehandedly tore an ACL?