Progrums

Desperate Hokies fans will cram into living rooms this Saturday, searching for any sign of a first victory as Virginia Tech limps into its third game of the season. After an 0-2 start that left statisticians weeping, the team’s playbook now includes advanced tactics like “remember how to tackle” and “read the scoreboard.” Across the field, the Old Dominion Monarchs swagger in like royalty who’ve never heard of being upset by a flailing Hokie squad. Coaches have reportedly installed motivational mirrors in the locker room—players must compliment themselves until confidence sticks. Tune in for what might be the most anticipated letdown-turned-miracle of the college football calendar. Bring snacks and a stiff drink.