Progrums

In a move hailed as both brilliant and utterly baffling, Virginia Tech has unveiled its five-card monte approach to filling a head-coaching vacancy that apparently no one else wants. Fans will soon be treated to a rotating roster of potential saviors—from a championship-winning wunderkind who’s currently perfecting his craft on the Moon, to a charismatic play-caller best known for choreographing viral end-zone dance routines. Each candidate will endure a gladiatorial press conference judged by alumni in medieval battle armor, while the real hire is rumored to hinge on whichever contender nails a Hokie stone-cold towel fold. The selection ceremony is tentatively slated for sometime between Jurassic Park’s reopening and the next solar eclipse—dates are flexible.