Progrums

In a stunning display of synchronized faceplants, the Hokies treated Lane Stadium like a slip-and-slide in their home opener, providing fans with a masterclass in how not to play football. Offense turned the ball over faster than a cafeteria line at lunch, while the defense seemed to specialize in “open invitation” coverage. Special teams? Call them “invisible,” because nobody saw them make a play. Coaches vowed to break down every unit—even holding a committee meeting on how to politely apologize to their own fans. Next step: hiring a motivational speaker who can actually spell “first down.”