Progrums

On Tuesday afternoon, coach Brent Pry finally surfaced from his bunker of optimism to deliver life-altering news: his players—shockingly—remain mostly intact. Bleary-eyed reporters, primed for dire prognoses, instead learned that the only thing suffering a sprain was their suspense. The sophomore wideout? A “nuisance bruise.” The star linebacker? Ridiculously game-ready. Wednesday’s encore brought an identical plot twist, leaving local athletic trainers twiddling thumbs and fans torn between relief and existential dread. Pry then skipped off toward the nearest smoothie bar, presumably to celebrate his team’s newfound status as “non-catastrophic.”