Progrums

The year is 2024, the Brent Pry era has dawned, and Virginia Tech’s roster has its first “oh no” moment: junior defensive back Dante Lovett has reportedly vaulted headfirst into the mystical Transfer Portal. Sources say Lovett was simply trying to snag a late-night snack at the student union when he misread the QR code on a vending machine and wound up teleporting his scholarship rights to a mystery school. Teammates are torn between admiration for his dimensional navigation skills and bitterness that he snagged the last packet of flaming hot Cheetos before game day. Meanwhile, Hokie fans are gearing up for a campus-wide manhunt—armed with clipboards and recruiting brochures—desperate to lure him back with promises of extra nap time, free textbooks, and an all-you-can-eat Hokie-themed buffet. As the transfer season ramps up, one thing’s clear: recruiters everywhere just got a lot more creative.