Progrums

Virginia Tech’s defense has apparently been ordered to stock up on extra knee pads, adult diapers, and emotional support puppies ahead of this Saturday’s showdown with Old Dominion. Sources say the Hokies are even considering renting a bunker beneath Lane Stadium for when the ODU offense inevitably storms the field. Rumor has it the Monarchs will unleash three offensive players so terrifying that local meteorologists have issued a “small ball of fire” warning. Meanwhile, defensive coordinator Joe records himself praying into his podcast microphone, just in case divine intervention is the only thing standing between a shutout and utter humiliation.