Progrums

In a development that’s stunned absolutely nobody paying attention since 2021, Virginia Tech has finally told Coach Brent Pry it’s time to clear out his office. Following a soul-crushing defeat to Old Dominion—the kind of loss that makes fans wonder if the team even bothered to show up—Pry’s 16-24 record was deemed insufficient for those still holding season tickets. In his statement, Pry graciously acknowledged that maybe “building character” isn’t the best selling point for a football program, and thanked the community for their unwavering loyalty to mediocrity. Sources say he’s already developing plans for a motivational speaking tour titled “How to Stay Positive When You Lose More Than You Win.”