Virginia Tech football has officially unearthed what experts are calling “the most extreme athletic trough in recorded history.” Coaches, convinced they’d hit the bottom, are now furiously Googling “Can you dig deeper?” Fans have begun holding vigils in the parking lot, lighting candles shaped like turnover chains. Players reportedly sleepwalk onto the field each Saturday, half-expecting to find pickaxes and spelunkers waiting.
“We thought we’d seen rock bottom,” one bewildered assistant coach mumbled between sips of energy drinks. “Turns out rock bottom has a basement.” Meanwhile, the marching band has rebranded as the “Subterranean Sound,” rehearsing in actual mine shafts to capture the true spirit of this historic low. In a bold move, Virginia Tech’s mascot is rumored to be trading his costume for a hard hat. School officials are considering renaming Lane Stadium “The Abyss,” just to set expectations properly.
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