Progrums

In a move that sent shockwaves through living rooms nationwide, Virginia Tech’s men’s basketball team has unveiled its full 18-game ACC “adventure.” Management sources confirm the schedule was painstakingly crafted to maximize fan-coffee consumption and workplace daydreaming. Highlights include a thrilling midweek clash at 8 p.m. (prime nap time) and a Saturday matinee against rivals—perfect for skipping tailgate responsibilities. Excited fans are already planning group therapy to cope with emotional whiplash come January. Meanwhile, the players vow to treat each matchup like a daring heist—stealing sleep, sanity, and maybe a win or two.