Progrums

Campus insiders say Virginia Tech is poised to bring back Michael Vick as head coach, because nothing screams “winning culture” like reuniting with a legend known for elite speed and, uh, extracurricular activities. Preparations are already underway: dining halls will serve “Puppy Chow Surprise,” complete with mystery protein, and the marching band is learning new fight songs in dog barks. Athletic directors are excited to harness his uncanny ability to dodge both defenders and tough questions. Rumor has it his first practice will involve sprint drills around rescue dogs, symbolizing redemption…or maybe just confusion. Meanwhile, tailgaters are organizing a “From QB to Sideline” foam party, because Hokie Nation clearly prefers its comebacks with a side of sprint, scandal, and canine-themed chaos.