Progrums

Now that head coach Brent Pry has been escorted off campus faster than a freshman sneaking in ramen noodles, Virginia Tech has thrown open the grand old celebration of self-eviction: the monthly Transfer Portal Bash. For the next thirty days, every wide receiver, linebacker, and fourth-string punter can waltz out of Lane Stadium carrying a complimentary “Goodbye, Thanks for Nothing” box and a commemorative Cassell Coliseum brick. Athletic department officials are even hosting “How to Exit Like a Pro” seminars, featuring hands-on demos in silent sock packing, handshake-evading maneuvers, and finishing your social media overhaul mid-sprint. And as players flee, fans can tune in to the blockbuster Pry-sidential Farewell Tour, starring cameos from the ghosts of coordinators past and possibly a few spirit mascots sampling the buffet line.