Progrums

Hokies fans woke up dreaming of 7.5-point victories courtesy of ESPN Bet, only to have ESPN’s FPI swipe their enthusiasm like a clingy ex. Scouts report coaches furiously refreshing their phones mid-practice, praying the algorithm flips back in their favor. Meanwhile, players are reportedly practicing touchdown celebrations in Excel, since actual game planning might cut into spreadsheet time. Rumor has it the team’s next hire is a statistician with a cape—because if you can’t beat Old Dominion on the field, at least you can dazzle them with pivot tables.