Progrums

In a move that stunned absolutely no one who watched the 2025 season’s opening three games, Virginia Tech has listed its head coaching position on Craigslist right next to a slightly dented lawnmower. Brent Pry, the unlucky soul who suffered a brutal 0-3 start and limped to a 16-24 overall record, was politely escorted to the exit faster than a linebacker chasing an empty backfield. Now the school has narrowed the infinite pool of applicants to five brave humans daring enough to sign what looks more like a reality show waiver than a contract. Benefits include unlimited sunscreen for those afternoon practices, permission to blame the marching band for every bad call, and a lifetime subscription to facepalm highlights. Rumor has it the next coach will need the stubbornness of a goat and the optimism of a lottery winner to resurrect Hokie football—ideally before the next kickoff.