Progrums

The 350-pound behemoth known as Tomas Rimac lumbered to the podium Tuesday, clearly intent on proving he’s more than just a human wall. After making sure the microphone could survive his gravitational pull, he dazzled reporters with an earth-shattering two-second statement: “We’re ready.” He then spent the next ten minutes explaining how his pre-game ritual involves eating exactly 19.7 eggs, doing the cha-cha in full pads, and whispering motivational tweets to his helmet. When pressed for meaningful detail, Rimac nodded deeply, let out a sound best described as “grunt-ARIA,” and promised to maybe say more next week—unless ODU’s defense breaks his self-claimed record for “most intimidating stare in a press room.”