Progrums

In a twist fitting for cable TV’s golden age of absurdity, Virginia Tech has tapped barber-turned-coach Bruce Arians to spice up its head-coach search. Gone are the days of staid interviews; now applicants will endure Arians’ signature “pepper spray pep talk” and prove they can deliver a play-call while wearing his infamous fedora. Sources say Arians plans to narrow the field by making candidates face off in a chili-cookoff, a three-point-shootout, and—just for kicks—a “Who Can Deliver the Most Dramatic ‘Let’s Go!’” rally-cry contest. The university assures fans it’s all in good fun, but warns that any coach failing to channel the “no-risk-it, no-biscuit” ethos will be publicly roasted—literally—at Lane Stadium’s press box BBQ.