Progrums

In a revelation so earth-shattering it could rewrite every coaching manual, Texas head coach Steve Sarkisian declared that the key to his team’s triumphant thrashing of Sam Houston was—brace yourselves—actually playing football. Holding up a shiny clipboard, he explained that running plays, tackling opponents and occasionally shouting “Hut, hut!” seem to correlate with scoring points. Analysts are baffled, wondering if this breakthrough will rival the invention of sliced bread. Meanwhile, players are reportedly ecstatic, as they finally understand why they showed up to practice in helmets and cleats. Rumor has it the next big secret involves calling the right play at the right time—mind-blowing stuff by every yard-marker in the book.