Progrums

Statisticians across the country are reportedly frantically recalibrating calculators this morning after ESPN’s Football Power Index officially anointed Virginia Tech as an unstoppable force—just hours after the Hokies eked out their first 2025 victory against FCS foe Wofford. Alumni are already commissioning commemorative T-shirts proclaiming “Dynasty in the Making,” while coaches have allegedly replaced whiteboard markers with gold pens to plot the road to the CFP.

Meanwhile, FPI’s servers are overheating under the weight of ecstatic algorithms, convinced that VT will steamroll the rest of its schedule—even the date with Midnight Madness. Rivals are sending cease-and-desist letters, fearing that any further Hokie triumph might shatter the space-time continuum. Sources say ESPN’s data team is drafting an apology tweet to every team in the ACC, offering free therapy sessions to any coach who dares glance at their “dangerous levels of optimism.”