Progrums

In a stunning display of absolute confidence (or pure delusion), the Georgia Bulldogs have unveiled five earth-shattering reasons they’ll steamroll Alabama in Athens this fall. First, they’ve secretly trained their offensive line to communicate using interpretive dance—because nothing strikes fear into a defense like a perfectly executed pirouette. Second, the team has swapped post-practice Gatorade for artisanal kombucha to achieve peak zen fury. Third, vantage-point drones disguised as squirrels will deliver real-time play calls (and acorns). Fourth, head coach Kirby Smart has reportedly mastered Jedi mind tricks, ensuring no Tide player can think straight. Finally, the Bulldogs are wearing lucky socks knitted by a championship-winning grandma—because if cosmic forces haven’t tipped the scales yet, postpartum knitting definitely will. Hold onto your helmets, Alabama: Athens is about to feel like the world’s loudest dog park.