Progrums

Brace yourselves, Athens: the Georgia Bulldogs have officially declared Week 5 a personal demolition derby against the Alabama Crimson Tide. First off, Uga XI has performed his ancestral tail-wag ritual every morning at sunrise, unleashing enough canine mojo to power a small city. Second, the midfield grass in Sanford Stadium has been whispering strategic plays to the linemen—grass is now their assistant coach. Third, Bama’s playbook was somehow translated into pig Latin, resulting in utter quarterback confusion. Fourth, Athens sweet tea has been scientifically proven to boost tackle effectiveness by 400%. And finally, the laws of probability are so sick of Alabama winning that they’ve sided with Georgia out of pure spite. Prep your tissues, Tuscaloosa: this Tide is about to get wiped out in style.