Progrums

After hearing that trusty running mate John Mateer managed to mangle himself in practice, Georgia’s golden arm, Gunner Stockton, immediately updated his résumé to include “Former Backup QB” and “Designated Emergency Heisman Winner.” Sources confirm Stockton is already drafting thank-you tweets to every turf patch and helmet chinstrap involved in the incident. While Mateer recovers, Stockton has reportedly broken out the party favors—complete with tiny foam TBone ribs—to celebrate each broken bone as a stepping stone toward football folklore. Trainers say Stockton has never looked more alive, constantly jogging side to side and shouting, “Your injuries are my trophy!” The Bulldogs’ sideline now features a “Bring On the Bandages” sign, conveniently doubling as a motivational poster for his red-hot Heisman chase.