Progrums

At long last, the ACC can brag about shoving three of its finest onto the AP Top 25 poll—proof that miracles do happen when you mix frantic coaching, blind optimism, and an industrial supply of caffeinated snacks. Meanwhile, the rest of the conference languishes in that gray purgatory between “we’ve got this” and “oh no, we definitely don’t.” Coaches are reportedly resorting to motivational PowerPoints featuring motivational puppies, interpretive dance drills, and chanting sessions held in dimly lit locker rooms. Power-rankers shuffle their spreadsheets with the reverence of monks translating ancient texts, assigning arbitrary numbers to teams that will probably cough up the ball at the first gust of wind. Below, behold the full roster of contenders, pretenders, and people still figuring out which end zone to sprint toward.