Progrums

Philip Montgomery swaggered to the podium like a guy who’d just discovered free food in the break room, beaming after his Hokies obliterated Wofford 38-6. He kicked off by thanking the ball for not deflating itself, then confessed he spent halftime Googling “Where exactly is Wofford, again?” before deciding it definitely wasn’t in the Pac-12. When asked about standout performances, Montgomery praised his team’s new secret weapon—gravity—and vowed never to underestimate a squad whose biggest fear is accidentally playing Division I. He closed by requesting orange and maroon pom-poms for the coaching staff, because if you can’t celebrate a runaway victory with pom-poms, are you even coaching?