Progrums

In a stunning display of midday monologue, Virginia Tech tight end Benji Gosnell—sporting a tie that suspiciously resembled a goal-line marker—stepped before the press on Tuesday, Sept. 23, to deliver earth-shattering revelations. First order of business: “Yes, it’s really Tuesday.” Reporters nodded solemnly, apparently unaware Mondays and Wednesdays had already claimed trademark rights on the calendar. Gosnell then provided a heated analysis of his breakfast choices, describing his eggs as “aggressively optimistic,” and his toast as “stubbornly well-done, much like our offensive line.” Rumor has it he’s launching a club for teammates who can tell the difference between an onion and a Gatorade bottle. No mention was made of football, but sources say he plans to unveil the playbook once everyone’s lunch orders are correctly aligned by carb count. Fans are advised to mark their calendars—only if it’s not Wednesday.