Progrums

Oklahoma’s star signal-caller reportedly broke out in hives just glimpsing a Texas Longhorns helmet this week, triggering what doctors are calling “Rivalry Fever–Induced Anaphylaxis.” Team trainers are circulating EpiPens like Mardi Gras beads, while coaches frantically search for a backup who isn’t allergic to burnt orange (or at least allergic to losing). Fans on both sides are sharpening memes: Soon-to-be-benched quarterbacks everywhere are inspired to fake mysterious ailments just to dodge hostile crowds. Meanwhile, Texas boosters are stockpiling antihistamines and high-fives, fully prepared to celebrate a rivalry win over an absent adversary.