Steve Sarkisian has officially run out of closet space—his Texas backfield looks like a hipster coffee shop at brunch time, packed with more star-studded runners than a red carpet. The coach confessed he’s spending evenings drawing flow charts, Venn diagrams, even mood boards, just to figure out who gets first dibs on the ball. Meanwhile, each back is polishing résumés, auditioning touchdown celebrations in the locker room mirror and updating LinkedIn with “aspiring Heisman finalist.”
Rumor has it Sarkisian briefly considered a “self-regulating hamster wheel” to decide carries or letting social media followers vote, but ditched both when he realized Texas fans can’t agree on anything—even their favorite barbecue sauce. At press time, he was seen consulting a Magic 8-Ball and promising each tailback at least three reps—unless the 8-Ball said, “Outlook not so good.”
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