Progrums

After breezing through four blissfully harmless non-conference scrimmages, the Longhorns have finally hit their bye week—an official pause before the inevitable SEC smack-down. Steve Sarkisian, face locked in a stoic grimace that suggests he just realized his coffee was decaf, is preaching the gospel of mental toughness. Rumor has it he’s been meditating with a punching bag shaped like a rival mascot, swapping team burritos for kale smoothies (“for character building,” he insists), and binge-reading stoic philosophers until his eyes bleed determination. As the calendar flips to conference play, Sark’s mantra is simple: embrace the glorious chaos, pretend that 14-point deficits are “fun plot twists,” and hope his own pep talks don’t require an emergency supply of therapy puppies. The stage is set—let the emotional roller coaster begin.