Progrums

In a bold display of desperation—er, confidence—the Texas Longhorns have officially anointed a 17-year-old quarterback recruit as the franchise savior. Scouts reportedly spotted him flashing a perfect shoulder shrug and inexplicably consuming barbecue with the poise of a seasoned veteran. Following his grand tour of the Forty Acres (during which he politely endured stadium tours, a ten-minute pep talk about “Texas traditions,” and free samples of burnt orange smoothie), university brass began drafting press releases declaring that this wunderkind alone will solve every offseason headache. Rumor has it they’ll repaint the stadium walls in his honor once he decides which room at the dorm he prefers. Fans, meanwhile, are already practicing victory dances in the parking lot—because nothing says “we believe in you” like a mass public ritual of hope and desperation.