Progrums

Students across campus have begun stockpiling earplugs and adrenaline shots after whispers that Jon Gruden—the man who once screamed play calls so loud even the Raiders’ helmets squeaked—might trade Vegas lights for Blacksburg nights. Professors are already drafting new syllabi titled “Decibel Management 101,” while the marching band is frantically hunting for soundproof uniforms. Meanwhile, the football team has reportedly installed industrial-strength coffee machines and motivational posters reading “You WILL run through a brick wall—or at least a plywood cutout—if Gruden asks nicely.” As rumors heat up, local therapists are preparing waiting lists for anyone who survives Gruden’s pre-game speech and still wants to remember their own name.