Progrums

After an epic 0-3 stumble into irrelevance, Virginia Tech football has officially dubbed today’s game with Wofford “Phase One of Our Redemption Plan.” Coaches have dusted off ancient playbooks and are teaching fundamentals like “avoid penalties” and “stop the other team from scoring.” Quarterbacks are receiving motivational speeches delivered in interpretive dance, while wide receivers are brushing up on the novel concept of actually catching the ball. Meanwhile, Wofford players are quietly relieved—they came expecting a challenge, not the Hokies’ annual “where did we put our game faces?” scavenger hunt. Victory rituals at Lane Stadium have already been scheduled (should VT manage to find the end zone), but if the Hokies trip over their own shoelaces again, fans can look forward to a riveting existential crisis that carries on through halftime—er, the rest of the season.