Progrums

Sources confirm that Virginia Tech has reached peak desperation by calling in Bruce Arians, the 72-year-old ex-Super Bowl LV champion, to offer cryptic coaching advice from his rocking chair. Arians plans to host clandestine strategy sessions titled “No Risk It, No Biscuity Hokies,” where he’ll regale young coaches with ancient tales of blowout wins and questionable fourth-down decisions. Insiders report he’ll communicate via whiteboard hieroglyphics and the occasional strongly worded memo about “living on the edge.” Meanwhile, players are just excited to hear a firsthand account of what it’s like to blitz Tom Brady—because nothing says “new era” quite like a septuagenarian quarterback consultant roaming campus hallways in khakis.