Progrums

After another glitzy showdown at Stanford, the Hokies have officially turned “five-game winless streak” into an art form. Striding onto the pitch with all the confidence of a mime in a hurricane, Virginia Tech’s men’s soccer squad continues to pile up goose eggs like they’re collectible trophies. Coaches are reportedly considering a new training regimen dubbed “How to Score Points Without Actually Trying,” while fans have begun packing tissues and motivational speeches in their backpacks—just to be safe. Rumor has it opposing teams have started fantasy leagues based solely on Hokie mishaps, and the odds of a VT victory are now slightly worse than finding a unicorn riding a unicycle. But hey, at least nobody can accuse them of running out of suspense… or points.