Progrums

In a daring off-season move that rivals any summer blockbuster, Virginia Tech insiders admit they’ve drawn up what might be the most shameless poaching scheme in college football history. Fed up with assistant coaches who think “Hokie” is a cronut flavor, Hokies brass has reportedly assembled a task force to woo Clark Lea away from Vanderbilt with promises of stadium fireworks, mandatory maroon pajamas, and a lifetime supply of off-brand energy drinks. Early brainstorming sessions included ideas such as Trojan Horse mascots, clandestine smoke signals from Blacksburg’s Lane Stadium, and hiring skywriters to spell out “Will You Be Our Coach?” in the Virginia sky. Meanwhile, unsuspecting Vanderbilt fans are left wondering if they should call the FBI or just update their recruiting brochures. The only certainty: college football just got a lot more dramatic.