Progrums

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Virginia Tech’s tight end Benji Gosnell held court Tuesday to dispense earth-shattering updates. Attendees were treated to riveting revelations—his go-to post-game snack is apparently nachos, he can flawlessly recite the alphabet backward, and he’s considering petitioning the NCAA to allow synchronized swimming between downs. Reporters, pens poised and eyebrows raised, lobbed questions about training camp woes, mid-practice karaoke habits, and the real reason he chose jersey number 89 (spoiler: it’s because 8+9=17, his lucky number). Gosnell promised even more dazzling truth bombs next Tuesday, assuming someone remembers to RSVP.