In a bold new strategy straight out of the Moneyball playbook (minus the baseball), Virginia Tech has decided the secret to landing an experienced head coach is less strategy and more straight-up cash. According to ESPN insider Pete Thamel, the Hokies plan to tack an eye-popping $50 million onto their athletic budget and call it a day. Word around campus is that the school considered hiring a fortune teller next, but ultimately figured legal tender was more reliable than crystal balls.
Athletic department officials are reportedly treating this like a clearance sale: mark up the budget, post an ad that reads “Experienced Coach Wanted—Cash Bonus Included,” and wait for applicants to line up. Rumor has it they’re even offering bonus incentives for creative touchdown celebrations and minimal wardrobe malfunctions.
Students have mixed reactions. Some are excited at the prospect of new campus amenities—free popcorn at games, maybe even Wi-Fi that doesn’t crash every third play. Others just hope the extra funds mean fewer blowouts on the scoreboard. Either way, Virginia Tech is betting that if you can’t coach wins into existence, you might at least bribe them.
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