Progrums

In a bold display of desperation disguised as innovation, Virginia Tech’s athletic department has reportedly added Bob Chesney to its shortlist, largely because Google listed him right above that guy who sells hot dogs outside Lane Stadium. Insiders say the James Madison coach’s stellar record of winning toilets as prizes and teaching squirrels to call plays ticked all the academic boxes. A spokesperson shrugged, stating they saw no reason not to, then returned to Googling coaches with weird mustaches. Students are already planning a parade in his honor, complete with flickering smartphone torches and a mariachi band they accidentally hired from an online ad. If hired, Chesney promises to introduce revolutionary strategies such as yelling hut three times and maybe even drawing plays in crayon. By kickoff, the Hokies might have a new legend, albeit one nobody can pronounce correctly.