Progrums

Next Saturday, a brigade of ponytailed cowboys wearing burnt orange will stumble into the notorious Everglades of Gainesville, blissfully unaware that their GPS has zero signal in alligator territory. Meanwhile, Florida’s roster is basking in newfound optimism after DJ Lagway’s leg went from “abandoned construction zone” to “fully operational human appendage.” Expect a slosh-fest of mud-caked cleats, overconfident linebackers questioning their life choices, and one mascot to suffer an existential crisis after realizing it’s not actually a swamp creature.