Progrums

Friday night’s showdown features two offenses so powerful they’ve petitioned the SEC for a remote viewing option and a government-issued warning label. FSU’s defenders, fresh off installing sound-dampening foam in their helmets, are bracing for Virginia’s offense—an entity some witnesses describe as “a tornado wearing cleats.” Coaches have been overheard praying to the football gods and distributing industrial-grade earplugs to the stands. Referees, expecting fireworks, have RSVP’d for ear shields and promised to only throw flags if the playbook somehow pulls out a confetti cannon. Expect points. Lots of them. And maybe a few stunned stares.