Progrums

After months of fans refreshing their feeds and farmers consulting almanacs, the Texas Longhorns and Virginia Cavaliers have finally settled on a tipoff time that won’t force either set of supporters to miss supper. Network executives, whose primary hobby is color-coding spreadsheets, have slapped the game on a channel so exclusive even die-hards might Google it. Rumor has it the chosen hour was determined by a high-stakes rock-paper-scissors tournament between SEC and ACC schedulers. Analysts predict an intense battle of skill, stamina, and strategically flung orange confetti at halftime. Set your DVRs—this is the showdown no one knew they needed until today.