Progrums

It’s barely Week 2 of 2025, but FSU coach Mike Norvell is already plotting grand gestures to keep Tommy Castellanos in garnet and gold. Rumor has it Norvell commissioned a mariachi band for locker room serenades, drafted an 18-slide PowerPoint titled “Why You Should Totally Stay,” and even considered outsourcing motivational speeches to a team of circus clowns—because nothing says ‘commitment’ like red noses and juggling. Seminole Nation is torn: one more year of Castellanos could mean gridiron glory or another epic face-plant on Mediocrity Mountain. Will Tommy accept Norvell’s absurd bribes, or will the coach be left offering leftover concession-stand hotdogs as a last resort? The drama is unfolding faster than a Hail Mary in overtime.