Progrums

In a groundbreaking move to appease fantasy doctors everywhere, the SEC has finally unveiled its week-five injury report for the Georgia Bulldogs vs. Alabama Crimson Tide—much to the delight of fans who’ve been refreshing their Twitter feeds like it’s Black Friday. Highlights include a linebacker who bruised his ego slipping off the team bus, a quarterback nursing an elbow that only flares up when he overthrows his receivers, and a kicker testing the integrity of every turf blade with his hobbling toe. Staffers reportedly spent hours debating whether a stubbed pinky constitutes a “game-time decision” and whether “just tired” qualifies as a legitimate status. Meanwhile, actual athletes are left wondering if this exhaustive list means they can finally cash in on sympathy points or at least score some extra Gatorade snacks.