Progrums

The Texas Longhorns have officially declared their bye week a self-help retreat in the shape of a football field. First on the agenda: teaching the offense that “blocking” isn’t just a polite thing you say on social media. Coaches will lead an intensive seminar called “How to Find a Receiver Without a Compass,” because apparently wideouts are hiding in plain sight. Next, the defense will attempt to remember what tackling feels like—rumor has it they misplaced their shoulder pads in 2022 and have been playing tag ever since. Finally, everyone’s signing up for group therapy to confront their shared trauma: realizing that no, you can’t schedule an extra week just to watch highlights of yourself getting pancaked. By Saturday, the team vows to have at least one of these things under control—assuming they don’t get distracted by a PowerPoint on the psychological benefits of kick returns.