Progrums

In a move that’s startling experts and style police alike, the University of Virginia is raiding dusty attic trunks to resurrect the golden age of oversized shoulder pads, mismatched helmet stripes, and that unmistakable “I have no idea what I’m doing” 1990s vibe. Players reportedly spent hours practicing the art of rolling up their sleeves to precisely three finger-widths above the elbow—because subtlety is for 2024. Coaches promise that the sheer power of retro aesthetics will hypnotize Seminoles defenders into politely handing over the football. Meanwhile, fans are hotly debating whether exactly six shades of navy qualifies as “vibrant,” and whether those neon orange socks are a tribute to tiptoeing away from bad fashion decisions or a dare to FSU’s colorblind linebackers. At press time, Virginia was still searching campus for someone who actually remembers watching college football in the 90s.