Progrums

In a move that has fans clearing their calendars and local squirrels preparing concession stands, Virginia Tech men’s basketball officially announced its “promising new campaign.” Sources confirm the team’s two main pillars are “competitiveness” (AKA “We’re Here to Win-ish”) and “intensity” (AKA “Coffee Is for Quitters”). With tip-off slated for exactly six weeks from now—because suspense builds character—the Hokies promise electrifying practices, dunk attempts that may accidentally on purpose end up in highlight reels, and pep talks powerful enough to launch a small city. Students are already booking mock trials for questionable ref calls while boosters stockpile T-shirts bearing last-minute slogans like “May the Best Hokie Win…Hopefully Us.” Yet despite the strategic ambiguity, optimism reigns as the squad gears up to conquer rival timidity, questionable three-point percentages, and whatever ghost of last season keeps lurking under the bleachers.