Progrums

Sources confirm the Cavaliers are so bereft of bodies this Friday night that they’re eyeing their inflatable tube guy as a potential starter. With their key player ghosting them, coaches are scrambling through the promo closet for anything—cheerleaders, waterboys, even the stadium announcer—to fill the gap. Meanwhile, fans are stocking up on popcorn, convinced this might be the first ever game decided by who can fashion the best cardboard cutout quarterback. Expect dramatic slow-mo replays of air-filled limbs waving wildly downfield.