Progrums

After Coach Norvell unleashed a volcanic tirade—complete with slam-dunk whiteboard theatrics and at least two “heart of a warrior” soundbites—the Seminoles have reportedly purged all brainpower not directly tied to dismantling the Cavaliers. Witnesses claim players now greet relatives with detailed Virginia defensive schemes, have renamed their GoPros “Virginia SpyCam,” and brainstorm Halloween costumes modeled after the opponent’s playbook. During last Friday’s team dinner, a senior lineman allegedly tried to order “one medium-rare Virginia, hold the sides.” When asked if he missed last season’s highlights, the same player replied, “Highlights? We only have one highlight reel now: Virginia vs. Everybody Else.”